I have many days in my past that have marked me, that have defined me. Some good, some bad. Some easy, some hard. Some beautiful, some ugly. But all of them have drawn me ever closer my Father, have shaped me into who He’s building me up to be, and are being unfolded in my life and story to bring Him glory.

One of these days, was when I was about 19. I had locked myself in the bathroom, and I was pouring my heart out to God. I was aching over so many past hurts, and I was desperately wanting change. I wanted different and better for my life. I wanted to stop trying to make things happen in my own life and finally let Him have complete control. Already, at a fairly young age, I’d learned that nothing but God’s best was close to good enough.

Here’s the thing; it’s not that I wasn’t trying to please and follow God before that moment. I was. But I was also trying to please and follow both the people around me and my own heart. It took me rather a long time to realise that only God’s heart can be trusted: mine will betray me and other’s will let me down. Only God knows me like He does. Only God loves me like He does. Only He is strong enough. Only He is wise enough. Only He will do. I was tearing and pulling my own heart apart by trying to please everyone and everything: It’s simply not possible. Either we follow the world, or we follow God. His Word makes that so clear.

So this is where I was: realising that I’d been pursing other than God’s best. And I was fed up.

I sat crying out to God saying that I wanted Him to take control, that I wanted Him to have His way, that only He had my heart, that I was ready to follow Him wherever He led. It’s funny. I had prayed similar prayers before, but I had never meant them like I did in that moment. In that moment, of deep aching and pain, I was finally ready for change.

God started to pinpoint specific areas of my life that I had been refusing to let Him take control in. As I was praying that God would have His way and His best in my life, He started to ask me what that looked in a number of areas.

The first area I can remember Him pointing out was my heart. I agreed pretty quickly with Him about this. I had experienced my heart being broken. A number of times. I knew what it felt like to give it away and have it given back. I felt Him say, “Your heart was only designed to be given away once; it’s not designed to be given back.” This made perfect sense. And in that moment, I promised God that I would save my heart to be given away only once more. That the next time I gave my heart, I would Never take it back again. I knew in that moment that I would have to let Him guard and protect my heart, and that I would only give my heart to the man I married. I knew that the next time I gave away my heart it was non-refundable. Messing around and ‘testing ground’ was no longer an option. The weight of what commitment was began to settle over me, and, as I made that promise, I began to clearly see that this was God’s best. So it was for me.

The next thing I remember Him confronting me about was purity. I’d had many battles over this, and, while I generally fought for purity, I knew that I had had it all backwards. I had spent the past few years continually asking the question, “How far is too far?”, but God pointed out that there is no too high a standard for purity. That it should be fought for and pursued with everything that we are. So, He gently asked me to picture what I considered to be the highest standard of purity that I could imagine. I responded that it was a relationship in which there was so much honour and devotion that the couple kept their first kiss till their wedding day. However, my experience of the world quickly filled my mind, and I began to argue with God saying, “But I couldn’t do that! And even if I did, there’s not a guy on the planet who would agree!” As I became more and more angry with God, He waited patiently and then whispered so kindly back,

“Do you trust Me?”

“Yes!”

“Am I good?”

“YES!”

“Do you believe that where I guide you, I’ll provide for you?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Do you believe that this is My best for you?”

“Yeah.”

“This is for you.”

He’d got me. I was wrecked. And I instantly bowed my head and promised Him that I wouldn’t kiss another guy until my wedding day. And amazingly, as I did that, all the fear evaporated. I knew, deep down and confidently, that He would provide everything I needed.

I thought that was a pretty good breakthrough. But then God got heavy again. He started asking me about what I thought was His best for marriage. What was it’s purpose. Specifically in the area of children. I knew Him and His Word enough to know the answer, and I knew what He was getting at. The big one. Contraception.

He started to chip away at lies that I had been believing and releasing truth over me. When I said that I didn’t want to bring children into such a messed up world, He said that He doesn’t make mistakes and that He wanted to spend eternity with them. (That blew me away!) When I said that I didn’t want their hearts to break, He said that He was their protector. When I said that I didn’t think I could handle it, He said that He was enough. And when I finally said that there was no way that I would find a guy who would agree with that, He repeated, “Where I guide you, I’ll provide for you.”

He’d broken me. In the best, most beautiful and tender way. In a very real way, because of that conversation, because of the surrender, I was free. Finally.

God doesn’t do things in half measures. He actually wants us to have the fullness of our heart’s desire. So, if this was really what He had called me to, He’d not only equip me for it, but also supernaturally enable me to thrive and wildly enjoy every moment of it.

God’s plans for us really are so much more wild and wonderful than we could ever imagine.

I’m so grateful that He makes His wisdom appear as folly to the wise, but reveals it to the simple.

I’ll choose and forever choose to enjoy what He has for me, and I know that as I chase and pursue His heart’s desire that it will continually become my heart’s intense purpose and passion, as it increasingly has.

As I follow hard after Him, I won’t miss out on anything that He has for me. On this I’m determined.

And I’m ever learning that it’s here that our joy is full. In the total and continual surrender to His will.

He is so good.