I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this on here before, but this past year I’ve struggled with a fear of eternity. Again, (like all things) I know I’m not alone in this. I’ve spoken to a number of people about it, and I know others relate to the deep, sinking, encompassing, aching, dark fear that suffocated and stole my sleep night after night. I call it a fear of eternity because it came over me when I (usually at night, but also at any time) began to contemplate what Heaven would be like. The thought of living forever holds so many ramifications that the ‘unknowables’ of it all were threatening to swallow me up.

God gave me many songs and anthems through this time. One was a line from Always Good by Andrew Peterson that goes,

‘As we try to believe what is not meant
To be understood will You help us to trust Your intentions for us are still good?‘

It slowly had to sink in me that what I was questioning was the very character of God. That in my fear, I was trusting my own reasoning rather than my LOVING, FAITHFUL, CONSTANT Father. He is so good. And it was that that has slowly helped me to overcome.

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I wrote a little song as an anthem when I was going through a season of questioning, and it became my anthem all of last year through every struggle, pain and question.

It simply went,

‘You’ve always been good. You’ve always been true. You’ve always faithfully led me through. So, I’ll trust You now like before. I’ll trust You now. Only more.’

It was very simple. But every time I sang it, after a friend died, during a fear attack or when questions came, my faith grew. I’m increasingly learning that God allows us to go through dark and painful periods because there are some things we can only learn in the dark. We can only truly see how wonderful and trustworthy He is when all else is stripped away.

So, if there was nothing else I learned last year, I learned that He is good. And that’s enough.

That fear of eternity was a big step to learn from and overcome. To process. In a very real and empowering way, I feel that God is using this present season as a way of continuing to battle that over me.

The past few years I’ve felt God say to me that I’m not in a waiting season, but that I’m IN a season. He’s been turning my attention to becoming present, and to stop waiting for the next thing. However, at the beginning of this year, I felt God lead me to start waiting. It sounds strange. But I feel like I’m entering a waiting period for marriage. I know that I’m going to have to glean on all I’ve been learning about waiting for the unknown and trusting that He’s working it all for my good.

Marriage has always fascinated me. For obvious reasons. But so much more than that, because of the image of Christ and His Bride. I recently heard a beautiful song called What A Mystery by Josh Wilson about how marriage is an image of God’s love for us. The picture is overwhelmingly beautiful. I remember watching a video a while ago called Betrothal. It followed the journey of a young couple who went through a traditional betrothal and showed the bride’s wait and excited anticipation for her groom’s return. It clearly painted a picture of the church’s longing for Jesus to return in His full glory and showed a glimpse of the joy that He will bring us. I initially thought it was all a bit mush and cheesy, but the image of the young bride gripped me. Would I be that SMITTEN by my future groom, and more than that, if I was, was it only a SHADDOW of the deep anticipation of what I will feel as the Bride when Jesus returns?! The thoughts blow me away. I, incredibly, feel that I’m starting to catch the first glimpse of this.

In my choosing to wait, I’m starting to realise that in this, I’m going to see and experience a new HOPE FILLED glimpse of Heaven. That Heaven is more real and more beautiful than anything I could even imagine. That MY GOD loves me even more than any groom could is overwhelming. I can see more and more and more, that whatever the outcome, God is using this season to draw me closer to Himself. My excitement for Heaven is growing less abstract and more tangible. And I can see (maybe dimly) how much I need this season to better understand the love that THE LOVER has for me.

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This is all a bit wild. Talking about such things feels very brave. But, maybe, it should be normal. Maybe, as we the Bride wait for our Groom to return, talking about the WONDER of it all from a single’s perspective should help us to catch a glimpse of how increasingly anticipant and eager we should be. Maybe.

John 10 • 2 Corinthians 4:18 • Hebrews 12:2 • 1 John 4:18 • Ephesians 5 • Revelation 19 • Ecclesiastes 3:11