I’ve been wanting to share a little more about my journey for a while, but I’ve been waiting until I saw a breakthrough. I wanted to share After I saw a victory, so that I could share it with you and encourage you in what I’d learned. But yesterday, Hannah shared her first vlog of being in America. In it she shared that she felt God leading her to be honest in all the emotions: the good, the hard and the celebration. I felt God tell me to do the same, so I’m going to share with you what I’m learning in this season.

I’ve been learning to drive with mum over the last 3 months, and, while it’s been hard, it’s been a real turning point in both my relationship with mum and my courage on the road. It was going so well in fact, that mum confidently booked me a driving lesson this past Tuesday to see if the instructor thought I’d be ready for the test soon. I’m still not sure what came over me, I’m sure hormones had something to do with it, but in the days and morning leading up to it I felt more and more overwhelmed. I knew that I would go for the lesson and do my best, but I felt such an inadequacy and fear over me that 5 minutes before the lesson, I journaled in my phone asking God to help me to take JOY in my weakness and to help me not feel overwhelmed.

Just before the lesson, I ran into Tesco to use the toilet. Even as I was walking in, I felt a rush of emotions and by the time I’d walked around the shop and couldn’t find the toilet (about 2 minutes), I had broken down in tears. I tried to compose myself, but just before the lesson I had mum pray with me, and I broke down again. As I’m sure you can imagine, the lesson didn’t go terrifically. I cried pretty much the whole time, feeling inadequate and fearful that I’d destroy the tutor’ s car. He was very patient with me and just patiently waited whilst I had numerous *moments*.

After the lesson, I felt crushed. I felt I had let everyone down. I couldn’t shake the disappointment, and it made me angry. The next day, while mum was driving I felt fear rush over me. I tried to shake it off, but I just withdrew more and more. We had a prayer meeting that night, and mum got everyone to pray for me. I felt my spirit lift as I basked in my Father’s joy and the love of the people around me. I was reminded that it’s okay to not be okay, and that I’m already loved, accepted and celebrated BEFORE I do anything right. I don’t need to be worthy because Jesus is.

I felt courage rise up within me, so yesterday mum took me driving again. It honestly went fine, but all the emotions flooded back, and by the time we got home I was bawling again. Mum took my face and said, “Abbie, you’re always telling me the importance of being still. Go be still.” So I did. I went to my room, cried a lot, and soaked myself in the word and Presence of God. I read Psalm 119, and the phrase ‘revive me’ took me. I let Jesus revive me and remind me that He’s good, He always has been, and always will be. He’s always been faithful.

I’m becoming increasingly aware that everything we do, pursue and learn God desires to use for His purposes and the Kingdom. I’ve known that my driving is only a small part of my ministry in whatever it looks like, but I know that I’ll drive when God wants me to. He’ll equip me with everything I need when the time comes.

I’m learning, slowly and uncomfortably yet gloriously, that God uses all our lives for His glory when we let Him. Every moment of our story will be used to bring Him glory in the end. Even the struggles, the aches and the pains can be seen through the eyes of beauty and not shame. I’m learning that.

There’s a moment just before Amanda Cook’s ‘Pieces’ in the Bethel Moments album where she says that God is re-writing our stories. Over every place shame ever wrote our story, He’s marking with His love. It’s not perspective; it’s innocence. Ugh. That wrecked me. We are free. We are loved. We are adored. Not because of what we’ve done or who we are, but because of what Hes done and who He IS. And no inability to achieve a ‘thing’ can ever change that.

In this we can glory. Not that we are strong, but that He is. He’s enough.

I feel like God’s undoing me and reminding me that I am nothing of and in myself. I’m so grateful that everytime I try to achieve anything to prove something to myself I fail. I’m so glad that He’s constantly showing me that He’s the only One who’s strong enough.

I have nothing to prove. I don’t need to be good enough. I have nothing to strive to earn. And neither do you.

We’re already loved beyond measure; celebrated before we even moved.

There’s a line from Steffany Gretzinger’s song ‘Oxygen’ that goes:

“You see strength in every movement. Baby steps and short breaths, anything is progress. You sustain my every moment.”

I got this picture of a besotted father holding his new born baby girl. I could see his eyes light up and celebrate as she breathed and moved her fingers. I keep feeling that that’s how Father God feels about us. HE’S JUST SO WILD THAT WE EXIST. We already bring Him such joy! We don’t have to earn it. Every breath brings Him delight as we simply live for what we were created for: Him.

So, as you read this and as you and I are working through all of life’s stuff, be still and know that He’s God. He’s the only goal. He’s the only joy. He’s the only satisfaction. He’s the only purpose. Everything we need is found in Him.

Come to the well, lay down your weary head, and rest. You don’t need to be good at the thing you’re striving at, you just need to be His. You’re already a victory.

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“For the Lord God will help Me; Therefore I will not be disgraced; Therefore I have set My face like a flint, And I know that I will not be ashamed.”
Isaiah 50:7 NKJV

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Also, take a moment to thank God for crushing you in whatever you’re going through. Rejoice that as He makes new wine out of you, He’s refining you and purifying you. It’s here that He makes us ‘less of us and more of Him’ so that He can continue to dwell in our hearts more and more richly. And that’s all that matters. His Presence. More and more and more. No amount of earthly sacrifice, discomfort or pain will ever compare to the beauty and joy of being His and knowing Him.