I haven’t shared anything on here for while, so I thought I’d let you into my latest ponderings.

.

I found myself quoting Lucy Maud Montgomery on my wall this morning. As I wrote it, I was thinking about the scenes that the line was used in in the movie, and it really struck me in a profound way.

.

I shared this to Instagram:

I love this quote from Anne of Green Gables. While the context of the book is slightly different, the movie uses it in two moving scenes.
.
The first time it is used in the movie, Anne is walking home with her teacher, Miss Stacey, after a devastating day. Miss Stacey is encouraging Anne’s dejected soul, which then inspires Anne to declare over herself, “Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.” To which her teacher replies chuckling, “With no mistakes in it yet.”
.
I love this line, because as Anne is invigorated with fresh hope for tomorrow, in which none of her past mistakes need dictate her future success, she is also reminded that she probably will make mistakes. But the emphasis here is on HOPE. Whether or not tomorrow goes well, she is encouraged to HOPE for good things in herself.
.
The second scene is as Anne is looking despairingly at Gil. Miss Stacey is again at hand to offer wise advice, and quotes Anne’s afore said mantra. The context of the scene is that Anne is feeling somewhat betrayed and hurt by Gil. While her feelings are highly magnified by her sensitive soul and imagination, Gil has managed to wound her without even really realising it.
.
I love this moment even more than the first. Miss Stacey turns this truth back on Anne and on effect says, “If tomorrow has hope for you, then it has hope for others too.” The emphasis here is on FORGIVENESS. Miss Stacey is helping Anne to apply the same grace that she has learned to apply to herself, and apply it to others. It’s a beautiful moment!
.
.
Know that EACH day is fresh, bursting with hope and anticipation for you. And as you let your soul fill with grace and hope, step into the overflow and let it pour over all those around you. Forgiveness is theirs because forgiveness is yours.
.

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.”

Lamentations 3:22‭-‬23 NLT

.

.

It made me think about how often we don’t apply the same grace we do to oursleves to others, or vica versa. It can be easy to hope for oursleves, but we (I) can find that it’s hard to hope for the people who have hurt us. We can find oursleves expecting or even wanting them to fail. But this is SO far from what our Father has for us.

.

As salt and light, we’re called to be people who endlessly and relentlessly speak LIFE over the people around us; even in our thought lives.

.

We’re called to have the same love for others that He has for us, so when He says, “For I know the plans I have for you,… They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
(Jeremiah 29:11 NLT) we’re called to say that over the people around us. We’re called to hope for them and walk along side them into freedom. No matter how many times we or they fail.

.

Because, as Anne says, “Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet. “

I’ve been doing some ancestry research recently and have been fascinated by a few things. One of them is the pattern of family. Lives and choices are repeated and the examples of the fathers and mothers are past down from generation to generation.

I have more history in some family lines than others, and some family lines are simply a list of names and dates. However, even in the family lines where names and dates is all I have (ie. I’m unsure of vocation, location, or generally what their lives looked like) there is one pattern that I can always see: the pattern of family. I can see where the narrative of adultery and unfaithfulness repeats itself again and again as husbands of the same line have 2 or 3 wives all within each other’s lifetimes. And I can see where couples have left a legacy to their children of integrity and faithfulness in lines that are consistent in nuclear family units.

It’s these families that caught my attention. I noticed through simple dates and patterns, that even in the 1700’s, couples were having various numbers of children. Some would have two or three, while others had seven or ten. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that contraception outside of natural family planning pretty much wasn’t a thing back then. And I was struck by the grace of God in it all.

We’re often taught that sex=babies as though it’s some kind of controllable chemical reaction. When, if we remember our biology, we know that X finding Y is a complete miracle (even the lab). Every child conceived is an intentional act of God.

It’s here I was struck as I was reminded that God never gives us more than we can handle outside of Him. God could give a couple 3 children, and they could complain that they don’t have enough time or money in their lives. God could give a couple 14 children, and they could complain that they can’t handle it. God could give a couple no children, and they could complain that God is unfair and that they’re desperate for children. But, when a couple receives the grace of God in their lives, they see it’s the kindness of God that bestows on them what they have, and that God desires to be their strength and leader in every moment of it all.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.” James 1:17 NKJV

I’m preaching to myself here, but I’m learning that God is a GOOD God. I’m learning that everything He gives us in life, gifts, opportunities, resources…, He longs for us to trust Him with. He longs that we’d invite Him into our stories as He has so kindly invited us into His and be a grateful, joyful, and servant-hearted people in all we find ourselves doing.

I’ve been struggling with joy recently. Tangent. But I’ve been repeatedly finding myself overwhelmed in a wave of disappointment, discouragement and sadness. Everytime it comes over me, I find that it’s a choice to break free. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to go through the motions. It’s okay to hurt and be sad. It’s okay to take a moment to not be okay. But, it’s also so important to not let those moments defeat us, and instead to use them to make us run to Him faster and faster.

My anthem right now is praying in each season, moment and even argument that I thank God because He’s using it for my good and His glory. If you take one thing away from this blog, try making that a daily prayer. It changes my heart and perspective every time. It makes me stop playing the victim and realise that God’s using what I’m going through to paint a more glorious picture than I can imagine. It helps me to search for the good in the other person or situation, and it always overwhelms my overwhelmed soul that He a gracious Father.

I want that to be the anthem and legacy of my life. I want to look back and see that I trusted Him and chose to enjoy every part of my life and every person in my life. I want to increasingly want what He wants and to grow a soul so rooted in His grace and kindness that I’m immovable in any weather. I want us to be a people who know and live like He is a good and gracious God.

He is so kind.

“But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.”
Ephesians 2:4‭-‬7 NKJV

“Oh, give thanks to the Lord , for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.”
I Chronicles 16:34 NKJV

” The Lord is good to all, And His tender mercies are over all His works.”
Psalms 145:9 NKJV

“Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, And His truth endures to all generations.”
Psalms 100:4‭-‬5 NKJV

I’ve been wanting to share a little more about my journey for a while, but I’ve been waiting until I saw a breakthrough. I wanted to share After I saw a victory, so that I could share it with you and encourage you in what I’d learned. But yesterday, Hannah shared her first vlog of being in America. In it she shared that she felt God leading her to be honest in all the emotions: the good, the hard and the celebration. I felt God tell me to do the same, so I’m going to share with you what I’m learning in this season.

I’ve been learning to drive with mum over the last 3 months, and, while it’s been hard, it’s been a real turning point in both my relationship with mum and my courage on the road. It was going so well in fact, that mum confidently booked me a driving lesson this past Tuesday to see if the instructor thought I’d be ready for the test soon. I’m still not sure what came over me, I’m sure hormones had something to do with it, but in the days and morning leading up to it I felt more and more overwhelmed. I knew that I would go for the lesson and do my best, but I felt such an inadequacy and fear over me that 5 minutes before the lesson, I journaled in my phone asking God to help me to take JOY in my weakness and to help me not feel overwhelmed.

Just before the lesson, I ran into Tesco to use the toilet. Even as I was walking in, I felt a rush of emotions and by the time I’d walked around the shop and couldn’t find the toilet (about 2 minutes), I had broken down in tears. I tried to compose myself, but just before the lesson I had mum pray with me, and I broke down again. As I’m sure you can imagine, the lesson didn’t go terrifically. I cried pretty much the whole time, feeling inadequate and fearful that I’d destroy the tutor’ s car. He was very patient with me and just patiently waited whilst I had numerous *moments*.

After the lesson, I felt crushed. I felt I had let everyone down. I couldn’t shake the disappointment, and it made me angry. The next day, while mum was driving I felt fear rush over me. I tried to shake it off, but I just withdrew more and more. We had a prayer meeting that night, and mum got everyone to pray for me. I felt my spirit lift as I basked in my Father’s joy and the love of the people around me. I was reminded that it’s okay to not be okay, and that I’m already loved, accepted and celebrated BEFORE I do anything right. I don’t need to be worthy because Jesus is.

I felt courage rise up within me, so yesterday mum took me driving again. It honestly went fine, but all the emotions flooded back, and by the time we got home I was bawling again. Mum took my face and said, “Abbie, you’re always telling me the importance of being still. Go be still.” So I did. I went to my room, cried a lot, and soaked myself in the word and Presence of God. I read Psalm 119, and the phrase ‘revive me’ took me. I let Jesus revive me and remind me that He’s good, He always has been, and always will be. He’s always been faithful.

I’m becoming increasingly aware that everything we do, pursue and learn God desires to use for His purposes and the Kingdom. I’ve known that my driving is only a small part of my ministry in whatever it looks like, but I know that I’ll drive when God wants me to. He’ll equip me with everything I need when the time comes.

I’m learning, slowly and uncomfortably yet gloriously, that God uses all our lives for His glory when we let Him. Every moment of our story will be used to bring Him glory in the end. Even the struggles, the aches and the pains can be seen through the eyes of beauty and not shame. I’m learning that.

There’s a moment just before Amanda Cook’s ‘Pieces’ in the Bethel Moments album where she says that God is re-writing our stories. Over every place shame ever wrote our story, He’s marking with His love. It’s not perspective; it’s innocence. Ugh. That wrecked me. We are free. We are loved. We are adored. Not because of what we’ve done or who we are, but because of what Hes done and who He IS. And no inability to achieve a ‘thing’ can ever change that.

In this we can glory. Not that we are strong, but that He is. He’s enough.

I feel like God’s undoing me and reminding me that I am nothing of and in myself. I’m so grateful that everytime I try to achieve anything to prove something to myself I fail. I’m so glad that He’s constantly showing me that He’s the only One who’s strong enough.

I have nothing to prove. I don’t need to be good enough. I have nothing to strive to earn. And neither do you.

We’re already loved beyond measure; celebrated before we even moved.

There’s a line from Steffany Gretzinger’s song ‘Oxygen’ that goes:

“You see strength in every movement. Baby steps and short breaths, anything is progress. You sustain my every moment.”

I got this picture of a besotted father holding his new born baby girl. I could see his eyes light up and celebrate as she breathed and moved her fingers. I keep feeling that that’s how Father God feels about us. HE’S JUST SO WILD THAT WE EXIST. We already bring Him such joy! We don’t have to earn it. Every breath brings Him delight as we simply live for what we were created for: Him.

So, as you read this and as you and I are working through all of life’s stuff, be still and know that He’s God. He’s the only goal. He’s the only joy. He’s the only satisfaction. He’s the only purpose. Everything we need is found in Him.

Come to the well, lay down your weary head, and rest. You don’t need to be good at the thing you’re striving at, you just need to be His. You’re already a victory.

.

.

“For the Lord God will help Me; Therefore I will not be disgraced; Therefore I have set My face like a flint, And I know that I will not be ashamed.”
Isaiah 50:7 NKJV

.

.

Also, take a moment to thank God for crushing you in whatever you’re going through. Rejoice that as He makes new wine out of you, He’s refining you and purifying you. It’s here that He makes us ‘less of us and more of Him’ so that He can continue to dwell in our hearts more and more richly. And that’s all that matters. His Presence. More and more and more. No amount of earthly sacrifice, discomfort or pain will ever compare to the beauty and joy of being His and knowing Him.

I feel like my family and I are currently walking through a season of mourning. It’s easy to become discouraged when you find yourself in seasons of trial. The human response is to self-protect, withdraw and become despondent. But, I’ve seen so many glimmers of hope and light in this season that I couldn’t have seen anywhere else. I’m constantly reminded that there’s a song that can only be sung in the night, and that there’s a deep preciousness in it.

‘Breakdowns are good for You’ is the title of one of the books that we have on our shelves. It’s a powerful book that reminds us that it’s IN the trial, in the pain, and in the confusion that we’re led to CLING to Jesus like no other time.

I watched a sermon from Joni Erickson Tada the other day, in which she spoke brokenheartedly about our (specifically Western, but also human) fear of suffering. She used the example of how many born again Christians advocate FOR euthanasia and spoke about how this is evidence of our lack of understanding of suffering. We run from it, avoid it and fear it, but rarely do we face it head on like a child of God is called to.

A few years ago, I decided to as much as possible go without painkillers. This was largely because I was in search of natural remedies that I could use frequently in place of drugs like Paracetamol, Ibuprofin and Aspirin, but also because I noticed something about my character that was changing. This is a girly example, but I noticed that the hours or days of pain that I willfully endured were a great opportunity to test my patience, kindness, self-lessness, focus and endurance. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, I’m sure at some point you’ve heard females make excuses for their bad attitude by blaming it on their hormones. Obviously, there’s some truth to this, and unfailingly once a month I am WAY more emotional for a week than usual (which is impressive because I’m a highly emotional and sensitive individual normally). I’ll cry at the house not being clean, lunch being late, or a word spoken slightly passively. It’s a very real battle of the flesh to keep control of my emotions and remember to continually take possession of the Spirit’s fruits. But, the addition of severe pain in those weeks provides a unique opportunity for self-denial. I’ve learned that if I can be patient, kind, soft-spoken and joyful when I’m in great pain and feeling miserable, it’s much easier to be all those things when I’m feeling great. I’m learning to revel in these weeks instead of fearing them.

It’s a very practical example, but one that has really marked me. It has changed my attitude in the face of opposition, struggle, frustration and pain. I’ve learned to expect to have 1 or 2 completely sleepless nights a month due to pain and discomfort, and I look forward to the time with God that I have during these nights. Instead of fearing the pain and sleeplessness, I rejoice in the fact that I get a whole night of talking to Jesus!

One of my favourite quotes right now is, “God cares more about our character than our comfort.” Oh my goodness this is so true!! Joni Erickson Tada pointed out that God takes no delight in our pain. He hurts with us. It HURTS Him to see His children hurt, but He values our hearts SO highly that He allows us to experience pain and refinement. Paul puts it like this:

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (I Peter 1:6-7 NKJV)

And again:

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” (James 1:2‭-‬4 NKJV)

This is wild!! This totally redefines suffering for the believer! This tells us that it is actually the KINDNESS of God that causes Him to allow us to experience trials.

A friend recently shared with me about the relational struggles that she’s having. After she shared, she said, “I look around at normal people, and ask ‘Why me, God?!'” It’s easy to look at our problems and think that it’s unfair and that God’s being unkind. This is our human response. But, how often do we respond with the mind of Christ and be THANKFUL for our suffering in that it is an opportunity to see Jesus more clearly and become more like Him. This isn’t to say that we should welcome sickness or pain; they are enemies of the Kingdom of Heaven and therefore shouldn’t be nurtured. However, we can still be thankful for them as we recognise that they remind us that this is not our home and ever beckon us to realise our identity in the Father.

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Romans 5:3‭-‬5 NKJV

I think it’s time for the Church to look like this. I think it’s time for us to embody glory in all things. This our calling; our true identity.

“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began.” (II Timothy 1:8‭-‬9 NKJV)

This holy calling of ours is so far beyond and above what we could envision. The pain that marks our story is unfolding a weight of glory in us that will be without price.

In commanding and exhorting us to rejoice in the trials, Paul repeatedly reminds us that this pain, this darkness, is only as passing thing; a mist that must one day lift. As Sam says, “But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.” (The Two Towers, LOTR) Realising this has given me strength and joy many times in the face of struggle. From small family arguments to the fear of the unknown, KNOWING that all fear, pain, uncertainty and loss will one day be a memory gives me the confidence to ‘sing over my sorrows, dance over my troubles, and … laugh in the face of my trials‘ (Overcomer, Lucy Grimble).

It’s time for the Body to stop running from and avoiding struggles. We were called to OVERCOME. We can’t do that if we’re not facing anything that requires us to do battle.

“Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go. This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:7‭-‬9 NKJV

Let’s be people who face what hurts us, who confront what discomforts us, and who endure what pains us. It’s here, in our weakness, that the world will clearly see the glory of our God.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”
John 3:30 NKJV

Let’s allow ourselves to become people who rejoice in all things and ceaselessly bring praise to our Father.

.

He’s good.

.

“Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, “Be holy, for I am holy.” And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear; knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold, from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot. He indeed was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you who through Him believe in God, who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.”
I Peter 1:13-21

I remember sitting on the top of the stairs after having an argument with mum about birth control. I hadn’t known that I had a strong opinion about it. But when faced with the challenge, all of a sudden I found myself justifying it from every angle. Phrases like “You can’t put God in a box” “He’s given us freewill” “He wants us to use common sense” and “He’s not a pin-prick God” rushed through my head and out of my naive lips. I tried as best as I could to snuffle the deep unrest in my spirit, but the thought continued to nag at me for weeks.

I’m so glad that the Holy Spirit is unrelenting in His pursuit of us!! If there’s something that He wants to see, He won’t give up until He’s shown us it.

But He also knows that it’s good for us to learn the hard way. There’s a deep maturing and confidence that can only come from fighting for the opposite side of a cause when we’re finally brought to our knees. We truly see the light best when we’ve had a glimpse of what it’s like to not have it.

This is where I was. Fighting and suppressing every thought in my head that told me to dig deeper. I didn’t want to. I’d made my mind up and didn’t have the courage to desire to be proved wrong.

But, as always, God won. He captivated me and caused me to spends hours upon hours reading through the Bible whilst taking notes on every single pregnancy and birth.

I was stunned. I don’t know why. I’d read the Bible cover to cover several times before and knew all of the passages I was reading very well. But it was as though scales dropped from my eyes, and He was answering another prayer I’d been praying. He was giving me His heart. He was breaking my heart for what broke His. It was a prayer that I had started praying everyday, and this was one of His victories in me.

He was breaking my heart for broken families.

Not long after, I wrote my English dissertation on the breakdown of the family unit in which I addressed topics from abortion, finances, marriage, homosexuality and education to authority and headship. Although I was essentially doing a homework assignment, what I was really scribing was the process that God was taking me through. I cried so many times whilst writing that paper. Looking back, I can literally see that God was having me outline each area that He was preparing me for.

He was showing me what it looked like to be beautifully broken. Not the kind of heart break I had experienced before that leaves you bitter and self absorbed, but the kind of heart break that opens your eyes to the REAL world around you and leaves you wanting to DO something about it.

God’s is so good. Despite what we see, His is the victory. In the end, He always wins. There is not a battle He’s fought that He’s ever lost. We are on the winning side.

I think it’s time we started trusting Him.

.

He’s so worth it. He’s so worthy.

.

Also, I’d like to add. There is no judgement for those who are using birth control. It’s not a Salvation issue. It’s a heart issue. Children are of God, so He can give you children whenever He likes. There’s not a single child that God has willed into being that is being hindered by you. He is Sovereign. He will have His way.

I’d also like to add the obvious statement that I’m not a mother. But, just as God gave Paul a heart for marriage, so He’s given me a heart for family. I’m simply agreeing with the Word and heart of God. If there’s anything that I have said that contradicts His heart and Word, please tell me. My only desire is to be His mouthpiece and bring Heaven to Earth by agreeing with THAT reality and not this fallen one.

His is the glory.

Grace and Peace

I feel like we’re back in the 1850’s before the Civil War. People of conscience and Christian values were CRYING OUT against the injustices and horrors that covered America and the Western world, yet it seemed that days were getting darker. Evil was getting louder and bolder, showing it’s face in the marketplaces and homes, shouting comfort, ease and prosperity. All the while feeding off of hate, murder and a depraved lack of value for humanity.

This is exactly where we are. Evil is shouting the EXACT same lie, only under the cover of a new name that it has worn for a century.

IT’S TIME! It’s time, family, for us to RISE UP in righteous anger! We can no longer justify and tolerate hate and murder! It’s time or hearts were turned to flesh and our eyes were unveiled.

Just like the passion, courage and selflessness of the heroes of the abolishing of the inhumanity of slavery, we need to CRY OUT for the inhumane mindset of abortion.

We cry and ache when we watch, hear and learn the depths of the evils of slavery, and I’m convinced that when my children and grandchildren look back on this appalling moment in history that their hearts and souls will ache and shudder with the depravity of mankind.

HOW CAN WE STAND BY ANY LONGER?!

How can we value one human life above another?! Go watch a movie about the Civil war, ache, shudder and let your blood boil, and then let it sink in that WE’RE COMMITTING THE SAME CRIME all over again. We’re declaring that one life is worth nothing for the sake of another’s health and convenience.

But this time, we can’t hear the screams.

The evil is dark and sinister. The world is just as scary as we think it is. BUT GOD IS STILL BIGGER.

The same God who led and stirred men and women to LAY DOWN THEIR lives for the sake of abolishing the slave trade can do it again.

I can guarantee that the heroes who laid down their lives back then would do EXACTLY the same in the face of today’s evil.

Let’s be men and women of CONSCIENCE who defend the cause of the oppressed and persecuted without thought to our own comfort or safety. It’s time we laid down our lives.

IT’S TIME TO DIE TO SELF.

I’m not going to relent on this. I’m ready to die for this cause. Too many have been murdered. We should be sick of it.

#blacklivesmatter #babieslivesmatter

“Open your mouth for the speechless, In the cause of all who are appointed to die. Open your mouth, judge righteously, And plead the cause of the poor and needy.”
Proverbs 31:8-9 NKJV

“Cry aloud, spare not; Lift up your voice like a trumpet; Tell My people their transgression, And the house of Jacob their sins. “ Is this not the fast that I have chosen: To loose the bonds of wickedness, To undo the heavy burdens, To let the oppressed go free, And that you break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; When you see the naked, that you cover him, And not hide yourself from your own flesh?”
Isaiah 58:1‭, ‬6‭-‬7 NKJV

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” (Declaration of Independence)

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this on here before, but this past year I’ve struggled with a fear of eternity. Again, (like all things) I know I’m not alone in this. I’ve spoken to a number of people about it, and I know others relate to the deep, sinking, encompassing, aching, dark fear that suffocated and stole my sleep night after night. I call it a fear of eternity because it came over me when I (usually at night, but also at any time) began to contemplate what Heaven would be like. The thought of living forever holds so many ramifications that the ‘unknowables’ of it all were threatening to swallow me up.

God gave me many songs and anthems through this time. One was a line from Always Good by Andrew Peterson that goes,

‘As we try to believe what is not meant
To be understood will You help us to trust Your intentions for us are still good?‘

It slowly had to sink in me that what I was questioning was the very character of God. That in my fear, I was trusting my own reasoning rather than my LOVING, FAITHFUL, CONSTANT Father. He is so good. And it was that that has slowly helped me to overcome.

•

I wrote a little song as an anthem when I was going through a season of questioning, and it became my anthem all of last year through every struggle, pain and question.

It simply went,

‘You’ve always been good. You’ve always been true. You’ve always faithfully led me through. So, I’ll trust You now like before. I’ll trust You now. Only more.’

It was very simple. But every time I sang it, after a friend died, during a fear attack or when questions came, my faith grew. I’m increasingly learning that God allows us to go through dark and painful periods because there are some things we can only learn in the dark. We can only truly see how wonderful and trustworthy He is when all else is stripped away.

So, if there was nothing else I learned last year, I learned that He is good. And that’s enough.

That fear of eternity was a big step to learn from and overcome. To process. In a very real and empowering way, I feel that God is using this present season as a way of continuing to battle that over me.

The past few years I’ve felt God say to me that I’m not in a waiting season, but that I’m IN a season. He’s been turning my attention to becoming present, and to stop waiting for the next thing. However, at the beginning of this year, I felt God lead me to start waiting. It sounds strange. But I feel like I’m entering a waiting period for marriage. I know that I’m going to have to glean on all I’ve been learning about waiting for the unknown and trusting that He’s working it all for my good.

Marriage has always fascinated me. For obvious reasons. But so much more than that, because of the image of Christ and His Bride. I recently heard a beautiful song called What A Mystery by Josh Wilson about how marriage is an image of God’s love for us. The picture is overwhelmingly beautiful. I remember watching a video a while ago called Betrothal. It followed the journey of a young couple who went through a traditional betrothal and showed the bride’s wait and excited anticipation for her groom’s return. It clearly painted a picture of the church’s longing for Jesus to return in His full glory and showed a glimpse of the joy that He will bring us. I initially thought it was all a bit mush and cheesy, but the image of the young bride gripped me. Would I be that SMITTEN by my future groom, and more than that, if I was, was it only a SHADDOW of the deep anticipation of what I will feel as the Bride when Jesus returns?! The thoughts blow me away. I, incredibly, feel that I’m starting to catch the first glimpse of this.

In my choosing to wait, I’m starting to realise that in this, I’m going to see and experience a new HOPE FILLED glimpse of Heaven. That Heaven is more real and more beautiful than anything I could even imagine. That MY GOD loves me even more than any groom could is overwhelming. I can see more and more and more, that whatever the outcome, God is using this season to draw me closer to Himself. My excitement for Heaven is growing less abstract and more tangible. And I can see (maybe dimly) how much I need this season to better understand the love that THE LOVER has for me.

•

This is all a bit wild. Talking about such things feels very brave. But, maybe, it should be normal. Maybe, as we the Bride wait for our Groom to return, talking about the WONDER of it all from a single’s perspective should help us to catch a glimpse of how increasingly anticipant and eager we should be. Maybe.

John 10 • 2 Corinthians 4:18 • Hebrews 12:2 • 1 John 4:18 • Ephesians 5 • Revelation 19 • Ecclesiastes 3:11

I love my mum. I don’t know if any other mothers do this, but my mum has a particular love of staring intently at me (and each of us) for awkwardly long periods of time just smiling. At my questioning of, “Mum, why are you staring at me?” she’ll often respond, “I just love you!” Whether it’s throughout the day, at night, or in public places, I’ll regularly find myself caught very intensely in her gaze. Whilst trying not to squirm, quite often the line from Evan Almighty comes into my mind, “Do me a favour, love me less.”

.
I was thinking this over this morning and had kind of a revelation. There’s no one who loves us more awkwardly, intensely or passionately than God. There’s no one who’s gaze is as relentlessly fixed as His. I’m literally caught in His gaze every single moment. There’s nothing that I can do to out squirm it or run away. He’s stuck over me. I’m His bullseye.
.
And I realised that maybe the intensity of mum’s gaze is a direct image of God’s. It’s funny that it can feel so awkward. Shouldn’t being loved so intimately bring us freedom and joy? Why is it that being LOVED SO MUCH is so difficult?

.
I need to process these questions. But the Evan Almightly quote has me stuck over it. It’s very revealing. Maybe in these moments, instead of trying to run from the extravagant and awkward love, I should respond with the same intensity. Man. That would be awkward. But I’m pretty sure that’s what God wants of us. That as He LAVISHES His love and affection upon us that we’d love right back on Him and just GET CAUGHT UP in His gaze. I love these moments with my Father. When The pursued does the pursuing, and I take time to really enjoy Him. Maybe it’s time that really manifested itself in all my relationships.

.

So, I guess, next time you find yourself caught in an awkward, fixed gaze by someone who loves you deeply , instead of wishing you were loved less try directing your heart towards that person. Let moments get real and awkward, and in the intensity and vulnerability of those moments love like you’re loved. And even more importantly, try directing your heart towards God; you’re already stuck in His gaze.
.

#preachingtomyself #getreadyforawkward