Jesus keeps reminding me that “all things work together for good to those who love God” (Romans 8:28 NKJV). He keeps telling me that He allows us to go through things because He has a perfect plan (Jeremiah 29:11) and that that plan is better than we can ever know (1 Corinthians 2:9). And that the plan includes various kinds of pain (Daniel 11:35; 1 Peter 1:6-7; Psalm 66:10-12). One of these pains is our struggle with fear. It creeps over us and suffocates us, stealing our breath away from us and causing us to take our eyes off our Beloved and onto the lack of control that we possess: over ourselves, our circumstances, our loved ones, and our futures.

A number of years ago, I remember fearing sleep. For months, every time I laid my head down on my pillow, I’d be afraid of that feeling of falling into a dark, empty vacuum that swallowed me up for eternity. I’ve shared quite a bit about going through a season of fearing eternity: this was that. Months of a dark hole consuming me as my finite mind swirled with infinite what if’s and how’s. Questions quite simply too big for me chewed at my mind while my body laid in a frantic confusion of cold sweats and sleeplessness. Until. Until Jesus told me that He wanted me to simply trust Him. To lay down all my questions and simply rest in His goodness and love. He told me that fearing was actually sin, and that I was calling Him a liar by not believing what He had told me: that He was good, big enough, strong enough, wise enough, and knew exactly what He was doing.

Maybe I don't have to see
What the future holds
To trust Your promises to me
In my weakness
You are strong
And in the moments when
I feel powerless
You are closest to me then
- Letting Go, Switch

He gently revealed to me that He was allowing me to fear because He wanted me to cling to Him: to learn how to run to Him. He showed me (and keeps showing me) that He uses each and every trial in our lives (personally, relationally, circumstantially) as an opportunity to draw us closer. That’s it. That’s our ultimate goal: to be close to our Lover and Creator. Surely if that’s why we exist, and if Jesus uses all we go through to achieve that aim, it’s all more than worth it. Nothing can be counted as equal to that. To being close to the One who sustains our breath.  “For the joy set before him he endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2) means that Jesus set us the example of focusing His eyes on His prize in the very thick of His pain. The fact that we are His prize is unfathomable and humbling in the extreme. The fact that He is our prize makes breathing come easy. It makes loving Him come naturally. When we finally being to grasp that Jesus simply wants us close, there’s nothing left to do but pour out our love for Him. It’s here that fear simply finds that it no longer has a home. Perfect love has cast it out (1 John 4:18) and all that is left is the desire to be close.

And there's no fear in love

...
I wanna stay close to You
It's really that simple
- No Fear In Love, Steffany Gretzinger

A few years ago, fear struck again, and I found myself in a constant battle with nightmares and worry. It led to me being argumentative and frustrated, and it caused me to again focus on myself and my failings and weaknesses instead of Jesus’ perfection and power. This time it was over driving. Just the mention of the word driving would cause me to want to panic and cry. Nights looked like constant nightmares of tragic driving incidences and a lack of control and during the day it looked like arguing with Mum: either whilst driving (which ended in tears) or about not wanting to drive (which ended in tears). I was so frustrated at myself for being afraid. I convinced myself that I’d simply never be able to do it, and so gave it up. Until. Until Jesus told me that where He guides He provides (Thank you, Hudson Taylor). He told me that He’d never lead me where He isn’t, and that, if there was something He had for me, He’d not only give me all I needed in it, He’d also help me to love it… if I just let Him. If I just keep my eyes and heart on Him.

You steady me
Slow and sweet, we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That You won't lead me where You don't go
-We Dance, Steffany Gretzinger

It maybe seems unfair that Jesus would use such pain to work out His good plans for us. What the enemy means for harm, He uses for good (Genesis 50:20). We’ve heard that so many times. But the truth really is that what He’s doing in us is more beautiful than we can imagine. Jesus has been telling me recently in my pain that the beauty that He’s painting can’t be painted any other way. It has to have all the curves, the unknowns, and the abrasion. It can’t be beautiful without it. He dreams better than we do. I’m learning that it’s time to trust His storytelling and lay down all my dreams. Because I’m in safe, safe hands. Not safe from pain. Not from trouble. Not even from death. But that pain will only ever lead me into His arms. And He’s my safe place. My reason for breathing. My hope and my rest.

He gave me the verse today, “He will keep in perfect peace whose mind in stayed on Him” (Isaiah 26:3) and it hit me. A lack of peace is simply evidence that we’re not stayed on Him. We’re not abiding. We’re not close. It’s that simple. Peace comes from staying our minds on Him. Which means knowing and trusting His character: not merely in an intellectual way, but in a whole-life-lived-out kind of way. In lives that live His goodness, holiness, beauty, love, and perfection. Lives that scream of His glory, power, and Kingship because they are entirely surrendered to Him.

That’s the kind of life I choose to lead.

And I’ll choose to let every trial, pain, fear, and trouble that I face make me better and faster at running into His arms. Because that’s what I breathe for.

Him.

"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You: because he trusts in You."
Isaiah 26:3 (NKJV)